25 Marriage Tweets That Are So Accurate It Hurts

Author image for Ada Elder
Ada Elder
Aug 8, 2019 7:00 PM EDT

You don't need to be committed to find these little anecdotes amusing. Marriage, depending on who you ask, can be a blessing and a it can be a curse. But most of the time it seems to make for great tweeting. 

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  • 01
    Soft Serve Ice Creams - Eat-In luke oneil @lukeoneil47 Marriage is being privy to someone else's bowel movements forever. Love is genuinely hoping they go smoothly 176 8:24 PM- Dec 25, 2017 Pembroke, MA
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  • 02
    Nose - Josh @iwearaonesie Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge 3,626 12:41 PM-Jun 10, 2015
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  • 03
    Product - Robert Knop @FatherWith Twins "I don't want popcorn" My wife, who's about to eat half my popcorn during this movie 474 12:08 PM-May 11, 2019
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  • 04
    Text - Josh @wearaonesie Before I got married I never understood why dad would go work on his car when it was 12 degrees outside 10:07 AM- Nov 24, 2016 983
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  • 05
    Buttercream - The Dad @thedad When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes. 5:51 PM- Mar 24, 2013 1,472
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  • 06
    Text - Simon Holland @simoncholland Me: My wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: (stands up) Wife: While you're up.... 4,147 9:42 PM - Jun 11, 2019
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  • 07
    Text - Rodney Lacroix @moooooog35 My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her. 1,263 6:55 AM - Feb 24, 2016
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  • 08
    Text - Kent Graham @KentWGraham Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note "please text, she doesn't answer calls." 2,214 4:59 AM - May 15, 2018
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  • 09
    Text - Jester D @JustMeTurtle It's my wife's birthday so she gets to pick the restaurant, unlike all those other times when... wait for it... she gets to pick the restaurant 399 3:51 PM Jun 18, 2019
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  • 10
    Text - sigh*clops @DadZZZasleep wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer] 2,530 12:13 PM - Jul 22, 2019
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  • 11
    Text - James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Wife: "gets back from the butcher shop* They said this hottest sausage I'll ever have. Me: Actually- Wife: NO. 4,028 1:03 PM Jan 14, 2017
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  • 12
    Text - Distracted Dad @Distracted Dad Just regaled my wife with a story about a grocery coupon should have worked but didn't but then the guy got it to work after all. Don't tell me the spark is gone. 238 5:42 PM- Feb 28, 2018
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  • 13
    Text - Troy Johnson @troyjohnson Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home 3,156 4:45 PM - May 28, 2015
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  • 14
    Text - Rodney Lacroix @moooooog35 Mornings when my wife can sleep Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks until I leave the house] Mornings when I can sleep in: Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [Sound of blender] 1,068 5:45 AM Jun 20, 2019
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  • 15
    Text - Dan Regan @Social_Mime Marriage teaches you when your wife asks you which shoes look better, simply picking one won't do, you must present at least two concise, legitimate reasons. 164 6:03 AM Jul 7, 2019
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  • 16
    Text - Kalvin KalvinMacleod Follow ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you're not going to share ME: I am not going to share RETWEETS LIKES 892 1,345
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  • 17
    Text - TwinzerDad @TwinzerDad Guys, if you're ever feeling like your wife couldn't possibly live without you, remember that Target sells body pillows, coffee, batteries and in some states, wine. #marriedlife 9:03 PM Dec 15, 2018 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 18
    Text - Troy Johnson @troyjohnson Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
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  • 19
    Text - Kent Graham @KentWGraham I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice. 3:48 PM Sep 19, 2016 Twitter Web Client
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  • 20
    Job - Mark Agee @MarkAgee Being married grants you one superpower and that's the ability to tell what couples just had a fight in the car right before a party 229 7:26 PM- Aug 25, 2018
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  • 21
    Face - Kent Graham @KentWGraham I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice. 3:48 PM Sep 19, 2016 Twitter Web Client
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  • 22
    Product - Daniel Carrillo @DanielRCarrillo Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies. 12:24 PM- Jul 15, 2015 4,657
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  • 23
    Product - mark @TheCatWhisprer I don't always pick out the wrong item when my wife sends me to the store but when I do I buy it in the mega-pack 4:38 PM-Jul 18, 2019 Twitter for iPad
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  • 24
    James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn My wife and I share an Amazon account This came up as a recommended purchase. Now accusations are flying back and forth about who searched for what. I'm not sure if we can survive this. Shop our selection of home products, decor and more at Amazon amazon amazon cA di Mit SOUIRRELIN UNDERDANTS Ornament HOME PRO HOME PRODUCTS
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  • 25
    People - Mr. Drinks On Me @Mr DrinksOnMe Every drive with my wife. Me, driving peacefully My wife gasping for noreason, almost making us crash 183 8:59 PM - Aug 3, 2019
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